i never related to the phrase ‘i feel like a raw nerve’. i understood it, sure. we can all imagine the pain. the thought of anything brushing up against something so exposed and vulnerable, it’s not something anyone would like to think about for long.

when i was a child, i learned that there was no space for my own emotions. it was always about my mother, or my sister, or anyone but me. it was unsafe for me to share my feelings, because they were dismissed, infantilized, deemed as less important. in response, i shut down. i didn’t allow myself to feel. it was better to swallow the pain and smile and listen to others instead.

now, as an adult, it’s become my main coping mechanism. a way of surviving in a world that brings endless suffering, but beauty too. i don’t allow myself to be open to any of it. i do not feel, like many say, 'like a raw nerve’. i feel like a closed door with a hundred locks and deadbolts with no keys to be found. i feel safer, that way.

the thought of opening myself up, of finding the keys and unlocking the door, terrifies me. it scares me to death. it seems so silly. they’re just feelings… but when you’ve been taught that what you feel doesn’t matter, feeling anything at all becomes suffocating. it feels like drowning.

i’m in therapy now. i’ve tried to work on myself plenty of times before, started something, got better, and still fell off the cliff time and time again. most people would quit. i almost quit. most days i still want to quit. but i’m here, and i’m breathing, and there’s no time like the present. so, i’m in therapy. again. this time, it’s more intense, more grueling. it’s multiple days and longer hours and more therapists than i have friends.

i knew it would be hard. of course it would be hard! you’re expected to open yourself up, to unlock the door and spill everything out that’s been trapped there. it sounds logical, it is logical, but knowing something and actually experiencing it isn’t the same. and for the first time in what may be more than a decade, i’m understanding the phrase, 'i feel like a raw nerve’.

here i am. exposed and vulnerable.

here i am. open and scared.

here i am. feeling like a raw nerve.